Raising an elderly person is hard. You want them to be as they were, while all the while they’re growing backwards. As my mother began to forget things, such as what happened the other day, I would remind her. I would even remind her that I was reminding her, as in “No no, remember? It’s ….”
Yes, I completely agree. I keep trying to learn to keep my mouth shut more often and just let things go. There's no point in arguing, any more than there's any point in arguing with an angry toddler. Save your energy, enjoy the good moments, and let the rest go by without comment.
which is not to say it's easy. but when we get there we've really done some important work, and if our kids see us doing it then we're setting a great example and perhaps even interrupting generational patterns.
Thank you for a lovely perspective on a hard life transition. I often find myself with my heels firmly dug into the top of that hill with my elderly mother. But we have much more fun together when I just roll down it with her.
Hi Julie - thanks for sharing this piece - definitely resonated with me - I know I need to accept how our relationship is changing and to find more patience as I mourn the loss of what was/how my parents functioned when they were younger 💗 as always it’s like you have read my mind. best, Aya
Julie, I so admire you for caring for your mother during this stage of her life. Through all of the challenges, I know you will take time to reflect -- and share with us in beautiful prose what you are experiencing. When my boys would point out someone who was old and frail, I would always say, "If you are lucky, that will be you someday".
Thanks for this post. My mom lives in Southern California (I'm in the Bay Area), and during our weekly calls I've noticed that she's forgetting more and more (which is really nerve-wracking when it comes to her medical issues). We're getting ready to visit her, and I'll need a lot of patience and compassion. The metaphor of rolling down the hill will help a lot.
that must be nerve-wracking indeed. it's challenging to not live with them, but it's a different kind of challenge to be right there all the time. i hope you have a good visit.
I learned this from a podcast (that I can't recall as too who it was) too late to use with my father's Alzheimer's journey: two improv performers... one losing her mom to Alzheimer's kept trying to drag her mother back to "being herself" and the other just rolling with whatever his mother- in- law said. Once the daughter grieved the loss of her mother and jumped on the improv routine she released the tension and frustration they were both experiencing. It didn't make it easier to watch, just the grace to accept the reality of each day. It sounds like your, too, have reached that grace and given you mother the dignity to be who she is at this moment. Bless you both.
Keep on rolling with our young and old ones - letting them be who they are at any given time 🩷 The Pooh quote is a favorite in my family - getting close, holding hands making sure it’s you 🥰
A rite of passage that is relatively new to the human race. We have few if any role models. So we need to look to each other for help. Your words are a huge help.
Totally understand what you are going through as my father also has descended into dementia over the last seven years. He is now in a memory care facility which was very difficult (many tears at times) to accept. But he still has good days when he is aware of us and laughing, which I find miraculous! Hope you find and experience the miracles too!
that must have been so hard. glad he still has good days. days are good here just a big shift from what was. i'm moving from denial and frustration to acceptance.
Yes, I completely agree. I keep trying to learn to keep my mouth shut more often and just let things go. There's no point in arguing, any more than there's any point in arguing with an angry toddler. Save your energy, enjoy the good moments, and let the rest go by without comment.
which is not to say it's easy. but when we get there we've really done some important work, and if our kids see us doing it then we're setting a great example and perhaps even interrupting generational patterns.
Thank you for a lovely perspective on a hard life transition. I often find myself with my heels firmly dug into the top of that hill with my elderly mother. But we have much more fun together when I just roll down it with her.
it's hard. i know. sending love!
Hi Julie - thanks for sharing this piece - definitely resonated with me - I know I need to accept how our relationship is changing and to find more patience as I mourn the loss of what was/how my parents functioned when they were younger 💗 as always it’s like you have read my mind. best, Aya
it's good to be in it together. and to talk about it and support each other.
Beautiful post, thank you for sharing. Big love to you and your mom.
thank you Julianna
Julie, I so admire you for caring for your mother during this stage of her life. Through all of the challenges, I know you will take time to reflect -- and share with us in beautiful prose what you are experiencing. When my boys would point out someone who was old and frail, I would always say, "If you are lucky, that will be you someday".
thank you for your kind words. and Karen i love what you told your boys. age and ultimately death comes for us all
Thanks for this post. My mom lives in Southern California (I'm in the Bay Area), and during our weekly calls I've noticed that she's forgetting more and more (which is really nerve-wracking when it comes to her medical issues). We're getting ready to visit her, and I'll need a lot of patience and compassion. The metaphor of rolling down the hill will help a lot.
that must be nerve-wracking indeed. it's challenging to not live with them, but it's a different kind of challenge to be right there all the time. i hope you have a good visit.
I learned this from a podcast (that I can't recall as too who it was) too late to use with my father's Alzheimer's journey: two improv performers... one losing her mom to Alzheimer's kept trying to drag her mother back to "being herself" and the other just rolling with whatever his mother- in- law said. Once the daughter grieved the loss of her mother and jumped on the improv routine she released the tension and frustration they were both experiencing. It didn't make it easier to watch, just the grace to accept the reality of each day. It sounds like your, too, have reached that grace and given you mother the dignity to be who she is at this moment. Bless you both.
i love the idea of an improv routine. or as i once heard say: it's not a play it's a party. no script, no control. just try to enjoy as you go.
Keep on rolling with our young and old ones - letting them be who they are at any given time 🩷 The Pooh quote is a favorite in my family - getting close, holding hands making sure it’s you 🥰
it's a good lesson for all of all generations
A rite of passage that is relatively new to the human race. We have few if any role models. So we need to look to each other for help. Your words are a huge help.
way too few role models. we caregivers/adult children can support each other so we can be the best supports to our parents!
Totally understand what you are going through as my father also has descended into dementia over the last seven years. He is now in a memory care facility which was very difficult (many tears at times) to accept. But he still has good days when he is aware of us and laughing, which I find miraculous! Hope you find and experience the miracles too!
that must have been so hard. glad he still has good days. days are good here just a big shift from what was. i'm moving from denial and frustration to acceptance.
Sending love.
thank you 🙏🏽
I need to get better at this. Thanks for the reminder.
writing it helps me reflect and commit to how I want to show up each and every time. sending love.