Your College Kid Isn't Trying to Ruin the Holidays
My recipe for ease for all of you.
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The other day I got a call on my hotline from a mom whose college kid was about to come home for the holidays after four months away. "We're all looking forward to seeing him," she tells me. "He says he's looking forward to having his own bed, cuddling our cats, and my cooking." Then mom confesses a concern. "I suspect that after a few days, I'm going to miss the calmness that we've had since he's been away. And he might feel that we're too aware of everything he's doing while we're all under the same roof again." She asked for my thoughts on how parents and siblings still at home can welcome a kid home from college "so that we can all thrive for our five weeks together!"
I've been there and I'm down for that. My babes are twenty and twenty-two. The elder spent two years in college and the younger is in year three. So, I've had plenty of opportunities to manage myself and the household through these visits. It's a mashup of optimism and expectation, eagerness and need, intention and impact. We want it to be wonderful, but sometimes there are disappointments as old patterns confront new realities.
To a person we all yearn for what I call "ease"– calm energy, kindness, flexibility, patience, and graciousness. So, here are my 15 tips for how to achieve it in my home and in yours this holiday season:
Create and hold the space for ease together. Let the sparkle and shine of their arrival linger for a few days. Then, on the morning of day three, stick a note under their door that says When you're up and about come find me. When they find you, I recommend you put down whatever you're doing (or put it down long enough to tell them when you will be free) and say Heeey [returned kid]! I'm so glad you're home. [Add nuzzle/eye contact/smile as is customary for you]. I want this time back at home to be what you want and need. What I mean is, you're used to so much privacy and independence now, and I want to respect that. We want to see you as much as possible but we also know that you have your own stuff going on. I also want to get you up to speed on what's been going on here and my hopes for how things will go. I just want us all to get what we need, and to have as many great times together as we can without getting in each other's way. Be sure to let me know the specific things you're looking forward to so I can support them in happening. I'm so glad you're hoooooooome. Then stop talking and smile and see what your kid has to say. As with the mom who called my hotline, you may have thoughts lurking in your mind that could turn into presumptions, anxieties, and frustrations if not addressed. Your best bet for creating ease is to "start as you mean to go on" as my amazing eighty-two-year-old mother likes to say. Your first and best tool for that is to foster open, clear, and respectful communication, sprinkled with smiles and love.
Respect your kid's burgeoning independence. They're used to being responsible for their own whereabouts, belongings, and timelines. So, when you hear them stressing out about how they're going to manage: 1) seeing their friend; 2) getting their meds refilled; and 3) finishing that paper they got an incomplete on, THESE ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEMS TO SOLVE. Put differently, THEY'VE BEEN SOLVING PROBLEMS LIKE THESE FOR MONTHS. I'm shouting at you because I've been down that path and trust me you don't want to go there. (When my partner and I went out for our daughter's Parent's Weekend freshman year, we started over-helping and she said as patiently as possible yet with exasperation coming out of her nose like fire from a dragon: "Guys, I handle this all the time when you're not here.") In these situations while, yes, you're naturally eager to help and fix, and your expertise and life experience mean that you probably have a good idea about how to resolve the situation, your college kid just needs you to empathize and empower them. This means that in a very kind and cheerful voice you say: Wow, sounds like a lot! I know you've got this. I'm here if you need me. It might be easiest on you, and, frankly, on them too, if at this point you simply walk away. (Smiling though, and with ease!)
You and your kid share a simple truth. You both yearn to be seen, heard, and respected for who you are. (This applies to all humans.) It seems like a basic thing, yet many of us don't feel this way in the presence of the ones who are supposed to love us the most. So, if your kid mentions a paper or poem they wrote, a competition, performance or game they were involved with, a recording artist, movie, show, or book, or any other activity they've been up to or that seems to matter to them, say, I'd love to see/watch/hear that, if you're open to sharing of course. If a friend's name keeps coming up, say Tell me more about that friend–they seem really important to you. On the flip side, sometimes we inadvertently undermine our relationship with someone when we praise or critique them when their body looks a certain way, or when we try to fix their situation instead of listening and letting them vent (See #2 above) or if we only seem proud when they've earned a certain grade or landed a particular opportunity, for example. So, if the vibe with your college kid gets weird, remember this simple truth that you and they have in common (we all yearn to be seen, heard, and respected for who we are), take some deep breaths to calm yourself (if you need to excuse yourself and step into the hallway and come back that's fine), and re-set by saying, Hey this feels a little off to me. Help me understand what's going on for you and what you need? Do I need to apologize? Did I say something hurtful? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, but what matters is how it felt to you.
Be aware that everyone's mental health and particularly that of young adults may be poor right now, thanks to the pandemic and other chronic existential events. Experts say it's practically 'normal' to be depressed and/or anxious these days, which I say not to minimize these things but reassure you. Don't try to "fix" your kid if they are down or anxious. Be present and show them that whatever they're going through isn't going to push you away. If they're down, you might say I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I love you and I'm here for you. And just sit for a spell with them to demonstrate that you're not uncomfortable with who they are right now. When you get up, put a hand on their shoulder and say I love you. If they're anxious, ask them what's going on for them and validate it by saying That's a lot. Wow. Yeah. I can see that that is worrying you. Do you want to tell me more? You're letting them have their feelings rather than discrediting the feelings or trying to brush them away. You physical presence shows them that they can be themselves and that's okay. Stay for a bit. Exit with some eye contact and a smile and an I'm always here for you. If they are in crisis, text the Crisis Text Line (text 741741) or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255). Help is available.
Be open to their changes. In their time away from home, they've grown and changed, possibly quite significantly. They may have a new piercing or very different hair. They may have an academic or career interest that is unexpected or even unfamiliar to you. They may want to express or clarify an aspect of their identity. If you want this kid to feel that home is a welcoming space for them–and I think you do–respond to these changes with curiosity rather than judgment. Curiosity sounds like: Niiiice, tell me more; Cool, what was THAT like?; I love it when you tell me what's going on in your life; Sounds awesome, honey; I'm so proud of you; Thank you for sharing. (Just pick one, no need to say all at once!)
Share YOUR changes as well. Maybe your hair and your piercings are still the same, but there are other meaningful changes afoot in your life or in the life of the household. As a matter of respect for the change itself, and to invite your college kid back into a space or situation that has changed in their absence, you'll want to bring your kid up to speed so they can be aware of it and support as necessary. Be sure to explain not just the "what" but the "why" (why it happens, why it matters). For example, maybe it's a small yet important change in an old routine routine such as doing the dishes: Hey, just want to let you know that we now do them after every meal because we don't want them to pile up. Particularly important at the holidays. Maybe it's about your work/life balance: Hey since I'm working from home now, I put a sign on the door saying "working" and when that sign is up, the rule is that you can only bug me if you're bleeding. I tend to emerge at 6pm. Maybe it's a new family ritual: Hey, we now do this thing of watching Schitts Creek together on Thursday evenings. It's a way for us to just hang out together for an hour. Join us if you feel like it. No pressure!
Get on the same page about meals. There's nothing like starting to cook your college kid's favorite dinner only to see them head out the door for a night out with friends. Or the opposite, to learn after the fact that they were hoping you'd make your famous Chicken A La Mom but you didn't. Get on the same page about expectations. You might say: Let's talk food. Anything special you'd like to be sure we buy/make while you're here? And let's figure out what will work best for family meals together. One idea is that we can check in with each other every afternoon about whether you'll be with us for dinner, or, we can plan in advance the nights that you'll commit to being with us with flexibility to add more if you like? Level up by asking them if there's a favorite family recipe they might want you to teach them to make? Or even more exciting, is there a dish that they make where they live now that they want to introduce the family to?
Tell them how they can help out. Remember, this kid is a family member, not a guest or a stranger renting a room in your AirBnb. In other words, there are chores to do and it's fair to expect their help. When they're headed out, ask them to stop at the store and get a few things for you on the way back. When you're scheduling the dishwasher repairperson, ask them to be on call to answer the door, show the person to the appliance and explain the problem, and to come get you if there are any aspects they cannot handle. Big house projects are fair game, too. (Hey, they're young and energetic, right?) You might say, I'd like your help with clearing out the garage/cleaning the gutters but I also know you have stuff to do too, so let's set a time that works for you to help out. Believe it or not, helping around the house makes a person feel they belong to the family. (Here I'm drawing upon the amazing work of Michaeleen Doucleff, author of Hunt Gather Parent.) As long as you don't load them up with burdeonsome stuff every single day, this should pay off well for all of you.
Get more of what you want with specific and genuine thanks. When it comes to behavior change, praise goes a whole lot farther than disappointment. If you reward positive behavior with a genuine smile and a 'thank you' you'll incentivize more of it. Here's an example: my twenty-two year old, who has been living with us since the pandemic began, just started a full-time job in September and he's up and out of the house each morning before my partner and I make it downstairs. For awhile, he was leaving the detritus of his breakfast and lunch preparations behind. One day I commented on it and he gave me an exasperated "I know, sorry." A few days later, though, he left the kitchen quite a bit cleaner. So, I caught up with him at day's end, put my hand on his shoulder, and said, "The kitchen looked so good when I came down this morning. Thank you. It means so much to me that you did that." He beamed. Almost every day since he's left the kitchen spotless! So, what can you notice and thank your college kid for? Maybe you want them to spend more time with the littles in the family? If so, notice them doing it and offer a small dose of specific and genuine thanks after. Thank you so much for hanging out with your sibs. I really appreciate how you show up with them. They love you. And it gives me time to take care of other things too.
Say yes. You want more time with your wonderful kid, and you want your time with them to be marked by ease if not outright giggles or even hilarious laughter. So, say 'yes' to whatever ideas for togetherness they have in mind. Can my new friend so and so have dinner with us? Yes, we love meeting your friends! Want to try this new game my friends and I play? Yes, I'm excited to learn it! Who wants to get pizza and watch a movie tonight? (My own daughter literally texted me this just now.) Yes, you had me at "who!" You may have had other things in mind, but these are minutes and moments you will never get back. The more you can respond to your college kid's request for more time together without violating your own boundaries (see below) the better.
Hold your own boundaries. Don't be so eager to see and please your kid (or anyone for that matter) that you let go of things that are very important to you, particularly around your personal and professional goals and your health and wellness needs. For example, you may have a pressing deadline, which means Unfortunately, now is not a great time for me to hang out with you but I will come find you as soon as this deadline is behind me, does that work? Or you may have a chronic health condition that means you need to get your eight hours of sleep every night, so it's, I'd love to stay up but that'll be hard on me tomorrow; could we start earlier in the evening? Or, you may have gone to some lengths to plan tonight's dinner, which means Ooh I already have dinner underway so this is not a good night to order in, but I'm a definite yes for tomorrow night if that works for everyone. Of course, some things are nowhere near this simple or clear, such as drugs and booze and the request for significant others to stay overnight... Read on.
Drugs and Booze. Maybe your kid smokes weed; you get to decide whether that's allowed in your house or yard over break. Maybe they drink alcohol to an extent that makes you uncomfortable. and this might be the time to take stock of your own liquor cabinet so you're not enabling the situation. These are clear topics where failure to say "no" is basically to say "yes." (I'm not telling you what to do. I'm encouraging you to make a conscious choice about what to do so that things don't 'just happen.') If you're interested in a resource on how to construct family life so as to prevent such behaviors from becoming a serious concern, my friend Jessica Lahey wrote a beautiful self-help memoir The Addiction Inoculation on the subject.
Significant Other Sleepovers. Your kid may want their significant other to stay overnight. You may not be comfortable with that, yet you fear/know that they just might do it anyway because you're not able to police who is in what bed at midnight. I recommend that you focus on establishing respect and trust which in my view is better for your relationship than having a rule that creates massive tension and may be being violated anyway. Find a quiet time. Ask for a moment. Say, I love having you home. You're an adult now. I respect you. Your choices about relationship are yours to make. But I am uncomfortable with the overnight-at-our-house part for X reason. I'd like to propose a compromise where you are respectful of my discomfort by being discrete with your behaviors, by which I mean: You do what you need to do, but nobody including me, your other parent, or your younger sibs will have any cause to know what you're up to. How does that sound? (I got a call about this issue on my hotline a few weeks back. If you want to hear the full response I gave to this caller, check out the recording; I address her particular issue at around the 10:10 mark.)
Activate emergency stress relief. My friend Ned Johnson (co-author of The Self Driven Child and What Do You Say) reminded me just this week that the four best ways to jostle our bodies back to a state of regulated ease is to: laugh, sing, breathe deeply, and/or do vigorous exercise. He was quoting the research of Dr. Sonia Lupien who is a researcher in the field of human stress. So, when stress starts to get out of control for you this holiday season, tap into one of these four awesome options for restoring ease.
You have the power to craft a safe and welcoming home life for your kid. The sad reality is that not all college kids want to come home. And some basically have to come home to us because they cannot afford any other option. Whether your child is coming home because they want to, or because they have to, you have the power to make yourself and maybe even your whole house a positive and safe space for your kid. A place of ease, which will benefit all.
Refer back to this list as needed. I'm rooting for you! And if anything goes down and you just need someone to listen to YOU, call my confidential hotline (1-877-HI-JULIE). Consider that bonus tip #16! And share YOUR tips in the comments!
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If you or someone you love is in crisis, please seek help. Two resources I recommend are the Crisis Text Line (simply text 741741 and a helpful and trained person will reply and chat with you) and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255).
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