If You Could Unlearn Painful Stuff What Would You Choose to Unlearn?

Overheard in Julie's Pod

In a recent Julie’s Pod Coffee Hangout (which happen on most Mondays at noon Pacific time, by Zoom) the prompt was: Here’s what I want to unlearn… I’m sharing a summary of that conversation with you because I hope that in reading a bit about what other people are going through* you’ll feel more seen, supported, understood, and less alone. That’s something I want to offer you here in Julie’s Pod.

*I’ve eliminated identifying details out of respect for everyone’s privacy.

What Folks Shared, And How Folks Responded…

• I was raised in a toxic achievement culture by parents who were highly educated and very successful. On top of that, I’m neurodivergent, and my parents didn’t really get that, and they pressured me anyway, and it was hard for me. Now I’m the parent, and I have the same instinct to want to pressure my kid to succeed academically because that’s the culture I was raised in. But I know it’s bad, and I know that if I can just modify my behavior toward my kid that’ll probably be the best thing I can do for her. So, I want to unlearn the toxic achievement culture, and end the cycle of all that pressure that I felt and that I’m now putting on my kid.

  • It’s amazing to undo a toxic generational thing. Hard, but amazing. I love that you know that the best thing you can do to support your kid is to change up how you behave around her.

  • You’re loving your kid unconditionally, so I think you’re already succeeding.

  • Many of us are swimming upstream. But I have faith and hope that you can make a difference.

• I always assume that negative things are about to happen. Like, when an ambulance goes by, I worry that my kid is in there. I want to unlearn having negative thoughts as my first reaction. And if I can’t stop the thought, I want to at least catch the thought, and ask myself, Wait, instead of thinking the worst, what’s the BEST case scenario here?

  • It’s a beautiful strength to see potential threats, but it can mean that we also cut ourselves off from beauty.

  • I can relate. It’s good that you’re aware and open to changing the picture.

• I’ve been programmed to think that there are certain things that “good girls” do, and certain other things that are crazy or weird or wrong. And I find myself wondering: “Are these my thoughts, or have I just been programmed over all of these years?” I’ve decided it’s definitely programming. I want to unlearn it all and start fresh. Completely fresh.

  • It’s so important to try to unlearn all that we’ve been taught from outside forces. We’ve been taught how to think with our head but not what our heart feels, and how to decide what our heart thinks.

  • Yes. We need to undo the the guard rails that we’ve put up on our own selves.

• I tend to feel badly about myself as a mother, and I blame myself for the tough situation one of my grown kids is in. When I have these negative thoughts, I have to ask myself, “Is this the truth, or just messages I’ve heard over the years?” I know I’ve grown from all my family has been through, and I feel gratitude for the growth. I even find it easy to tell others that, “The magic is in the mess,” and “Give yourself grace.” Thing is, I want that for myself though, too. I want to unlearn the self-sabotaging and feeling of being a victim.

  • In those moments, remind yourself of the advice you are so freely able to give others.

  • The big thing here is the growth you’ve experienced and can continue to experience, and that you’re so able to express gratitude for it.

• When events and emotions are running high in my family, I just want to fix it all. That’s been my role, and I’m good at it. But I’ve read enough to know that that’s not useful to fix everything, and that it can even exacerbate my kid’s anxiety when I solve it all and make it all better. I want to unlearn my desire to fix everything, especially with my children.

  • Good on you for recognizing that you’re good at fixing, but that fixing creates its own unintended problems, and for trying to undo that tendency in yourself.

  • I’m a fixer too. It’s hard to step away from roles that are automatic and that you’re good at!

• As a ballet dancer, I got specific and limiting definitions about what was healthy, good, and beautiful when it came to our bodies. That deep wiring still creeps into my thoughts. I want to unlearn all of that negative, limiting, and inaccurate body image stuff.

  • I can relate to that. You have a whole new lens now where you realize a healthy body is not a stick. We can probably all relate on some level.

  • As a mom I appreciate this reminder of what I need to be saying to my kids.

• Family members and friends have betrayed me, and with every decade of life that passes and when these things continue to happen it makes me lose a bit more trust, and I’ve started to feel like the world is letting me down. I need to unlearn that. I want to keep going forward, and I want to keep trusting people again.

  • I hear this huge emotion of larger things affecting you and yearning to trust. It’s really hard to give your heart to someone else when that has happened.

  • I applaud you for wanting to overcome that and not let those people dictate how you are with others.

• I get verbally abused by some male members of my family. These experiences make me feel like I’m missing out on what family is “supposed” to offer me. It’s like I’m seeking an oasis that is really a mirage. So, I want to unlearn the message that “family is everything” and “family will always love you.”

  • With family members who are toxic, I find it’s helpful to say “I love you I love you I love you, I just don’t like the way you interacted with me just now.”

  • I’ve been in a patriarchal family, and I can understand, and I hope you’re on the way to healing from that.

• I’ve come to realize that English, my first language, is very “I” centric (I’ve learned other languages which are less so) and I don’t like that. Since language shapes our way of thinking, speaking an “I” centric language means there’s a lot of ego in it, and also a lot of culpability and responsibility. I want to be more community-oriented and I think that starts with language. I want to unlearn the English language and start over!

  • That blew my mind. It’s the only language I know. You’ve given me a reason to think really differently.

  • Talk about undoing programming! I would love it if we could unlearn the whole rule system that is language.

• I tend to read others’ emotions, and I think I do it accurately, but I worry that I may be reading too much into things and jumping to conclusions and labeling emotions in an inaccurate way. I want to unlearn that. I want to observe emotions and see and feel them while being aware that there is a larger context that I likely do not understand.

  • As an empath, your instinct is to assess emotion rapidly. It’s a talent, but it can lead you astray. I encourage you to slow down, drop in, and invite the person to clarify or share more.

  • Allowing yourself to be more responsive than reactive is wonderful. It allows for curiosity.

• As a woman in a very male-dominated field, I have to show up with strength and power and basically show them that I am everything they are. But then when I come home to my two teenagers, I’m still “hot,” meaning angry or charged or disregulated. I want to unlearn this feeling that I always have to be powerful and in charge so that I can slow down and be more mindful with my kids.

  • As women, there’s a lot to prove when we walk into a room in a male-dominated field. It’s hard to take that armor off with family.

  • I wish you didn’t have to unlearn that, meaning I’m sad you had to learn it in the first place.

• I grew up with very controlling parents, and I’m that way, too. Like, my mother died recently, and I’m going through her things, and I’ll come across her notes about what should not be moved or what should not go in a particular place, and I kinda feel like I have to honor that. But then I realize she’s no longer here. I’d like to unlearn the idea that you have to follow “the rules” all the time.

  • Rules are so comfortable. Yet they impose a rigidity and an inflexibility. It’s time to give yourself permission. Let the rules be your guide but not your dictator.

  • It’s time to listen to yourself after following so many sets of rules for so long.

As you can see from this recap, we engaged in a truly vulnerable and rich conversation. What you can’t see on the page are the few tears that were shed, the nods of understanding, and the bursts of laughter. I can’t speak for the others, but I’m amazed by how good it feels to talk with strangers in a place where we know we can share, and be supported rather than judged, and then pick ourselves up and keep going.

So If You’d Like to Be a Part Of These Introspective and Nourishing Conversations …

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🤗 I’m rooting for all of us you know. Here’s a hug for anyone who is ready to unlearn some stuff.

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