Here's What I Would Do If No One Would Judge Me For It.
Or if I would be loved no matter what.
In Julie’s Pod, we get real.
During last week’s coffee hangout, we discussed: Here’s what I would do if no one would judge me for it, or if I would be loved no matter what.
Below is a summary of what folks shared. As you read what others are going through, I hope that you’ll feel more seen, more supported, more understood, and less alone on your journey. (Please note, I’ve changed any details that might identify the speaker in order to protect their privacy.)
The beauty of opening up to strangers is that they don’t have opinions about who you are, or why you’re the way you are. They just listen and say what comes up for them in the moment. (That’s one reason why “Twelve Step” groups can be so healing.)
What Folks Shared and How Folks Responded…
I want to switch careers… again... and it’s scary. Seventeen years ago, I made a big career jump and started working in the defense industry. Now I’m considering another big jump: to being a mental health counselor. I feel like I’m just dipping my toe into it – I’ve made an appointment to discuss what the next steps would be – and its a little scary. My kids are all in transition into young adulthood and my parents are making changes in their living situations, so it’s a lot to manage all of that as well as these stirrings about making changes in my own life.
Saying it aloud to others is such a huge thing and an important step. I remember when I was making a big leap to a new career and a family friend mocked me, and that sucked. But I learned to keep going and only share my dream plans with people I knew could hold space for me to share, and be kind.
It takes so much courage to leap. Look back on the courage you had seventeen years ago and see what you learned from that experience that can give you confidence this time around.
I want to put my mother in assisted living, but in my culture we don’t do that. Mom lives with us and is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. I would like to move her to a care facility because I don’t feel confident or comfortable being the caregiver. But in my cultural community, I would be judged for doing that. In fact I’ve seen a few people do that and get ostracized. So, I want this very badly, but I can’t imagine actually being able to do it.
Sounds like you feel paralyzed. Wanting to do something that is counter-cultural to your community of origin is a very real struggle. It’s brave of you for even having the thought rather than pushing it away.
That option you yearn for is already out there. You’ve seen it in the form of those who are farther down that path and are being shunned. Could you reach out to those folks, both to help them feel seen and supported and also to connect with them, learn from them, and ultimately (hopefully) have them be a source of support if you decide to go that route?
I want to go back to school and learn completely different things but there’s no time for me to focus on myself right now. Like others, I’m in the ‘sandwich’ generation - with kids in high school kids and elderly parents - and there isn’t room to focus on what’s right for me. When I was on vacation for a few days, I enjoyed myself a ton but always worried that I would get news that something had happened to my parents.
You took a brief vacation from the ‘sandwich’ of caring for elderly parents and teenagers. You glimpsed a different life and it gave you joy. Do it MORE. Take that time for you whether it’s a half day or even just an hour.
Maybe you can’t drop everything and go back to school, but what if you just enrolled in one class? Just to whet that appetite. It could end up becoming the once-a-week thing you most look forward to, and that’s okay.
For one month, I want nobody to know where I am and I want to have no connection with anyone. I don’t think others in my life would judge me for doing it. But I do think I’ll feel like a failure to myself, because I won’t have been ‘productive.’ I also know it’s a privilege to be able to contemplate doing this.
If you feel a need to be away from everyone and everything, that’s valid. Sounds like whatever you’ve got going on is entirely too much for you, so it’s great that you’re recognizing that and trying to figure out what to do about it.
Capitalism makes us feel that our worth comes from our work. (Busy = productive = valued.) Can you somehow reframe a month away from it all as being worthwhile in measurable ways that matter to YOU?
I want to write a book about my profession but am afraid of what others will think of me if I do. I just retired and I want to write a book about the classism issues I feel are inherent in my profession. But I’m so scared to write it. I think it might be so controversial that I would have to wait until I’m dead to publish it! I keep coming up with all kinds of ways to procrastinate. Like, I didn’t write at all today, but I did manage to go to the hardware store and buy a couple of extension cords. (Laughter.)
I hear the word ‘stuck’ as you talk. I’m sympathetic. Stuck is a squeezing feeling. But I also hear all the things you ARE getting done on the side while you’re avoiding writing.
Maybe there’s something to that extension cord you bought. It comes wrapped in a bundle and you have to unravel it at least a little for it to be useful. And you need to untangle it all to get maximum use out of it.
I actually just DID the thing, and here’s how it feels. My spouse has chronic health issues that will ultimately take their life. I’ve been their caregiver here at home. But I’ve been knowing in my heart that I needed help, because more and more frequently I was feeling angry, frustrated, and tired. Yet they didn’t want me to bring a caregiver into our home. Someone in this group was moving to a smaller place after their partner passed, and they told us, “I realize it’s time for me to stop packing and just accept that I’m not taking all of this stuff with me.” And that was an aha moment for me. I realize I need to stop packing. Which means stop doing what I’m doing and give some of this stuff up. I found a very nice assisted living facility for my spouse where they can get the care I need. But I’m judging myself a little still.
Did you hear that Freudian slip in what you said? “He can get the care I need…” Powerful! From all you’ve shared this sounds like this was the best decision you could have made for both of your sakes. I’m happy for you.
You LOOK like you’re at ease. This is obviously working for you. We can feel guilt not just for moving the partner to assisted living but then for feeling some relief let alone joy after having done it. But you deserve a chance to keep living even as he is entering a more frail and challenged state. Self-judgment is the greatest judgment, and is far greater than the judgment of others. Work on reminding yourself why this was the tradeoff that had to be made.
I’m already doing the thing, too. I’m 62. Trust me, I’ve done a lot of stuff in life, but nowadays, I do zippo. I’m proud that I have nothing on my calendar other than meditating, and listening to audio books and podcasts. Yet when people ask what I’m up to they’re taken aback when I say ‘nothing.’ It’s like “Oh.” They’re worried, I guess? Or maybe they’re judging me? But I really don’t care!
Snippets of Wisdom…
It’s brave for even having the thought rather than pushing it away.
Naysayers gonna naysay. Usually those closest to us are the ones who will say “Wait, WHAT ARE YOU DOING???” They have their needs and expectations for us. Don’t let their opinions about what you should do be louder than your own sense of who you are and what you want next in life.
If what I want is not okay with the people I hang out with, why am I worried about pleasing them? They’ll be fine.
Relief comes when we choose to do the thing we’ve been afraid to do.
If you’ve gotten a small glimpse of it and it felt good, do it more.
It’s normal to experience waves of grief and guilt as well as waves of joy as we leave an old way behind and chart a new course.
The Extension Cord Analogy…
An extension cord comes bundled. You have to unwrap it, and it’ll be wrinkled, so then you need to smooth it, and then ultimately extend it as far as you need. Untangle yourself to magnify your power???
Resources: If You Want to Go Deeper…
Your Turn: How to Be an Adult, by yours truly. 😀 Buy it here. (Chapter 5 is particularly apt for this conversation. It’s called “Stop Pleasing Others –They Have No Idea Who You Are.”
Adulting 101: How to Navigate Big Decisions When Your Parents Disapprove, by Renee Yaseen in the Washington Post. Read it here.
When To Jump: When the Job You Have Isn’t The Life You Want, by Mike Lewis. Buy it here.
And If You Want to Be a Part Of These Introspective and Nourishing Conversations in Julie’s Pod …
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🤗 Here’s a hug for anyone trying to find the courage to do what you want even though those who love you may not understand it, like it, or might even judge you for it.
xo
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