Get a Glimpse of Someone Else's Overwhelm

And Feel Less Alone

In a recent Julie’s Pod Coffee Hangout, the prompt was: Here’s what’s on my plate right now, and here’s how I feel about it. Read what others are going through. Perhaps you’ll feel more seen, supported, and understood, and less alone. (I’ve changed any details that might identify the speaker in order to protect their privacy.)

What Folks Shared and How Folks Responded…

• It’s kickoff time at work, my kids are at that age where school “matters,” and my parents are trying to live alone but I don’t know for how much longer that’s gonna work. Then the other day, I was helping my aunt move, which entailed putting a precious relic in my back seat. “Go slowly!” She yelled. “It would kill your mom and dad if something happened to it.” The very next day, my mechanic told me my car needed new breaks really badly. So I guess I just got lucky the day before with the antique vase. It feels like a metaphor for my life right now – getting by by getting lucky, because way too much could rightfully go wrong. I feel like “my cup,” so to speak, is usually a nice big beer stein, but nowadays it’s more like a martini glass and everything sloshes over. Or, it’s like I’m on a tightrope and people are throwing frozen fruit at me and I have to run fast enough to not get hit but if I run fast I might fall off.

  

  • Somehow you have a smile on your face. You’re vibrant and engaged and so capable despite all of this stress. It’s also amazing that you wove gratitude into all of that.

  • And yet you’re hanging on for dear life. You’re spinning. That you can recognize it is really good. But yeah wow, it’s a lot.

  • I’m stressed just listening to your beautiful metaphors which are clear cries for help. YES, YOU NEED HELP! IT’S TOO MUCH. YOU NEED FEWER RESPONSIBILITIES. Maybe we’re the people to tell you that, and to give you permission to let some things go?

• I want to take in a struggling family member, but at the same time I don’t. My older cousin is living in a region with a lot of bad weather this time of year. She wants to come live with us. I feel in my heart that taking her in is the right thing to do, but we’re new empty-nesters and I feel like I need some time alone before my cousin moves in with us. On the other hand I feel badly about putting my needs before hers.

  • I hear both the love and the anguish in your voice.

  • You know, you may not have to be the only good person in her life. Are there others who can step up to support her?

  • The good thing about seasonal weather issues is that they’re seasonal. It sounds like even if she does come to be with you, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a permanent move for her.

  • The challenge is to accept what IS, and grieve what you’re losing while also being gracious and loving.

• I’m gradually becoming a caregiver for my parent and I don’t know if I can handle it. A year ago my dad was completely independent. Now, so much has changed. I am his advocate, his memory, his assistant, his reassurance. It’s so sad to watch someone go through this. And I’m glad he has me – I wouldn’t want him to be anywhere else. But at the same time – can I even say this out loud? – it’s also hard on me to find time to do all this help, and it takes an emotional toll and sometimes I get really frustrated with him.

  

  • Being a caregiver is HARD. Know that. It’s okay to have those feelings about what it’s doing to you.

  • Is there someone else in your dad’s life who is able to pitch in to help with some of this? Or maybe a friend of yours?

  • I’ve been there, and I can just tell you that when it’s all said and done you’ll have your sense of how well you handled it, and you’ll feel grateful that you were able to.

• I’m more disabled than I let on, and sometimes I feel I could just start bawling. I have mobility issues, and it’s a lot. I’m constantly thinking how am I going to get from here to there? Do I really want to go out? Am I staying home too much? Am I going to trip and fall? Am I going to be able to make the bed?

  • You’ve been on these calls for months and never let on that this is your challenge. You’ve been keeping these tough truths from others. I applaud you for opening up and letting us in!

  • I’m so sorry things are so hard for you.

  • It’s an honor to hear you as you share.You’re a redwood tree. You’re a rock star. Thank you for sharing.

    

• I’m pre-occupied by all the stuff in my head. When I read this prompt I thought of a literal plate, or items on a to-do list, but I realize for me it’s not things that I have to do but more like what’s on my MIND which feels like a little snowstorm in my brain. Does all the mental stuff that’s preoccupying me count as “stuff on my plate”?

  • Those things definitely count. Whether you’re ruminating over the past or planning/worrying about the future, your mind is occupied, maybe overwhelmed, maybe really anxious.

  • Maybe you DO need to write down everything that’s on your mind. Maybe seeing it written down will validate it and help you understand it all a bit better.

• I live in a three-generation household where everyone but me is neurodivergent and I’m absolutely exhausted by all the micromanaging I have to do. I try to implement technology or lists so I’m not so hands-on but it’s not successfully consistent. I can’t depend on it. It’s two steps forward, two steps back.

  

  • I hear the tears in your voice. I just want you to know that I can see that you’re exhausted and you need help.

  • I’m sending love. You are heard.

  • Sounds like something has to change. You’re at a breaking point. And what you need matters, too.

• Where’s the line between valid self-care versus self-absorbedness? My kids are in their late teens and starting college and two of my elders need my help due to medical issues. How am I supposed to care for myself so that when I show up to meet my kids’ needs or the needs of my elders, I can be in a vibrant good place when I interact with them?

  • That’s a lot!

  • Women tend to be good at helping. And whether we are or aren’t, it’s often placed on us to handle all this stuff. So you’re wise to consider what YOU need in order to be able to support them.

  • Accept what is and don’t fight it – for your own sake I mean. Because if you fight it, you’re in tension with reality. Whereas if you accept it, you’ll have more ease as you approach it all. (Accepting it becomes a part of your self care.)

• I want to be a wife and mother but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to want that (yet)? He freezes up when I bring this stuff up. I want to give him space, but I also care deeply about these things. They’re my life goals.

  

  • Making decisions about your own life with someone else (whom by definition you cannot control) is really hard.

  • I wish I could say it gets easier, but it doesn’t necessarily – in fact, it may not. It’ll just get more poignant and deeper.

  • Don’t get stuck in the “Sunk Cost Fallacy” where you say “But I’ve spent so much time in this relationship I can’t end it now.” Time is ticking. Forget how much you’ve put into it. How’s it working for you now and how likely is it that you’ve get the future you want by staying in this relationship?

• I’m newly retired and can’t get a damn thing done. Just in general, I can’t do anything until everything is in order. Like, I can’t have food touching other food on the plate. It’s been two months since I retired and I have accomplished absolutely nothing. I need to figure out how to break my to-do list down into discrete parts so I can start accomplishing something.

  • I’m cheering you on as you look at the overwhelm.

  • You’ve got a whole new life planned but it’s not yet as fulfilling as you’d hoped, and that’s hard.

  • Retirement should be a blank page, not a list. But a blank page is scary for a workaholic who is accustomed to performing and achieving in accordance with what others ask of you. Give yourself grace as you figure out this entirely new thing.

• My spouse went to assisted living. Now it’s just me at home, and I like the freedom of it, but I also feel guilty. My plate is kind of empty, which I like. I think I might even be my authentic self, finally. And then the guilt comes.

  • You’re so frank, I love it.

  • When the guilt comes in, tell it, “Thank you but you’re not real, now go home.”

  • The joy you’re bringing to this change is clear. How does you feeling worse help someone feel better?

    

• I’m soon going to be eligible to retire and I’m thinking about it, but I’m anticipating that both grief and joy will come. So much of my identity is my job and without it, who am I? I’ll grieve who I used to be, but I think I’ll also feel joy for who I can be now. I’m scared, and I know it’s okay to feel scared – it’s suffering for future pain. It’s great to be able to talk about being scared with strangers.

  • Congratulations for doing all that work and for reaching that place of retirement eligibility.

  • Rethinking who you are is not new - it’s always happened. You’ve been growing your whole life and you’ve done a hell of a job and there’s no need for you to stop.

    

Snippets of Wisdom

When you come into a space where you don’t know anyone, and you share… it feels good.

Everything you’re saying feels like a plea for help.

Only so much can be handled by a person at any one time. Think of it this way: you would never eat Thanksgiving Dinner in one bite.

A big piece of the self care is accepting the parts you can’t change, instead of fighting them.

You may not have to be the only good person in that other person’s life.

The little snowstorm of things on your mind counts as “stuff on your plate.”

Is someone else in the way of your dreams?

Don’t get trapped by the “sunk cost fallacy.”

Having made the big change I think I finally feel like my authentic self.

When the guilt comes, tell it, “Thank you, you’re not real, now go home.”

Both grief and joy can come with transitions like retirement.

The Dalai Lama says the hardest thing is to sit and do nothing.

It’s an honor to listen while you share what’s hard for you.

Resources if you want to go deeper

If you’re holding onto something that it may be time to let go of, get some courage by reading about the “Sunk Cost Fallacy” here.

Sometimes just acknowledging you’re in the middle of hard stuff helps. You can say to yourself, “This is hard, but you know what, I do hard things!” For more, check out Glennon Doyle’s popular podcast We Can Do Hard Things here.

And If You Want to Be a Part Of These Introspective and Nourishing Conversations in Julie’s Pod …

In Julie’s Pod Coffee Hangouts, we shed our masks and facades and the impulse to perform the part of the perfect human, and just tell it like it is, to strangers. Then we pick ourselves back up and keep going.

The beauty of opening up to strangers is that they don’t have opinions about who you are, or why you’re the way you are. They just listen and say what comes up for them in the moment. (That’s one reason why “Twelve Step” groups can be so helpful.)

The Coffee Hangout Zoom invitation comes directly to your inbox. To receive it, you just need to become a paid subscriber to Julie’s Pod. You can sign up here:

xo

🤗 Here’s a hug for anyone who has a little too much on their plate right now.

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