Dear Julie: I Can't Handle My Friends' Constant Questions About My Kid's College Plans

How do I make it stop?

You can learn quite a bit by listening in on other peoples’ problems. So, welcome to the “Dear Julie” advice column in Julie’s Pod.

Today’s question is from a mom who subscribes.

Without further ado, sit with me by the proverbial fire to listen to my conversation with “Weary from Well-Intended Advice”!

The Question

Dear Julie,

It’s fall of my son’s senior year in high school and lately it seems that all my friends do is ask where he’s applying to college. It feels like they’re asking just so they can talk about where their kid has applied or been accepted. I hate how our friendships now feel like competitions.

But there’s more. I actually now dread the question of “where has Andrew applied” because I know it will end not just with them telling me the great schools their kid(s) have applied to, but then they’ll add their shock and confusion over my son’s choice to only apply to one school that isn’t even top-tier.

It came to a head with one particular friend the other day. It felt like she ‘baited’ me, in that I found myself making excuses for why my son’s college choices may be different than what she thinks are valid. I generally feel proud and excited for him, but these conversations leave me low and depleted and questioning the choices he has made. As I’m defending my son’s choice, I also feel like I’m gaslighting him.

There’s a deeper story behind all of this. Last year, my son and I attended the funeral of one of his swim team members who was a year older. The boy had gone off to college last fall. A few weeks into the school year he committed suicide. As the dutiful son, he had chosen to attend the ‘best’ college he could get into, not the one that he felt most at home at, and once he got there he did not feel like he fit in. And now he’s gone.

With this as the backdrop (and having read a few of your books), I have tried really hard to ensure I am following my son’s lead in choosing a college. He loves his choice, as it is in the field he wants to get into, the weather he loves, and the culture he is seeking. The problem is that the college he chose is not academically difficult to get into and definitely not a “stretch school.” My son is in many advanced classes and achieved a high SAT score (but struggles with ADD and social anxiety which many folks may not know about him). Other parents (mostly moms), who know he is in the academically advanced program, somehow feel compelled to not only ask the question of where he is going, but to provide me “advice” that he is not reaching high enough. This barrage of feedback has me becoming “wobbly” - Am I not pushing him to reach for the stars? Did I (we) do enough research? Should we be considering “better” schools?  I know in my heart this is the right choice for him but I can’t help but get pushed off my center by all of these “well meaning” moms who are surprised he is not applying at “better schools.”

Why do I get wobbly? When I dig in deeper, I realize that these conversations also dislodge my own deep feelings of shame over where I went to college. I was a first generation college student and tested into some great schools but ended up going to the least expensive state school due to lack of finances. It makes me think that many of these conversations I am having with these parents are centered in this shame, regret, and insecurity.

I’m bound to get these questions over and over again in the coming months. How should I handle it next time?

Sincerely,

Weary from Well-Intended Advice

The Answer

Dear Weary from Well-Intended Advice,