Dear Julie...

A mom struggles to support a grown daughter who is anxious

Since I was a little girl, people have felt comfortable coming to me for help. It’s an honor to be trusted with a person’s feelings and concerns. But it’s often tender stuff, so I work hard to respond thoughtfully. I try to hold space for the struggle the person is experiencing by just listening with curiosity, and without judgment. And, I offer my frank thoughts, with compassion. I think that’s what we all want and need. Right?

It occurs to me that my response to one person’s struggle could be of use to a much broader set of folk. So, welcome to a new offering in the paid tier of Julie’s Pod, called “Dear Julie” where you can ask for my advice and I’ll answer your question publicly. (All personal identifiers will be removed.)

All you need to do is become a paid subscriber, which you can do below, then pull up a chair and sit with me by the digital fire and read the exchange. You’ll get the person’s concern, my advice, the rationale behind my advice, and what I call ‘the bottom line’ which is what it all boils down to.

Today’s concern is from a mom who is trying to support her adult daughter with an academic challenge. I share it in the hope that it will be useful to you on your journey.

The Concern:

Hi Julie,

I’m going to preface this with the understanding that this is probably the very definition of helicopter parenting/not letting your adult child adult, but my daughter has asked me for help. She is spiraling as she studies for the NY Bar, convinced that she can’t learn everything/won’t pass. I’m trying to help her find solutions—ways to calm her and give her some solid advice. She’s coming home the week after next, and I’m casting about trying to figure out what might help her the most to get her back on track. She did very well in law school, so we’ve been surprised by her doomsday mood about the bar. 

I understand this is an unusual ask, but I’m wondering if you have any thoughtful advice for her as she preps. I keep telling her she needs to try to find a way to get out of her downward spiral so she can focus on putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, instead of being convinced she won’t pass, putting her whole career in jeopardy, etc.

Anyway, I’m grasping at straws here, but you are such a fount of practical and useful knowledge and advice—and you’ve been there, as a recovered attorney, a dean of students, and parenting a young adult with anxiety—so I’m risking embarrassing myself by reaching out. I’m just trying to figure out the best way to support her so that she can find her way.

Thank you,

Anonymous Mom

My Advice:

Dear Anonymous Mom,

First, please do not be embarrassed that you reached out. You're placing great trust in me and it means a lot.

Second, I have been there in some capacity and so I can relate. Not to a child studying for the bar, but to a child who seems to be flailing about, and where I try to figure out the right way to show up for them.

Here are my thoughts: