Dear Julie: My Daughter's Coach Lets Unhealthy Team Dynamics Fester. Do We Intervene?
You can learn quite a bit by listening in on other peoples’ problems. That’s why I write the “Dear Julie” advice column in Julie’s Pod.
Today’s question is from a mom who called me on my hotline 1-877-HI-JULIE.
Without further ado, sit with me by the proverbial fire to listen to my conversation with “Can I Intervene, or Is That Interfering With Her Development?”
The Question
Dear Julie,
My daughter is a fourteen-year-old rising high school sophomore, and she plays a competitive Fall sport. It’s a high-performing team with high-achieving kids, and parents who have a lot of expectations.
Her freshman year was rough, because the coach did not address some bad team dynamics and personality conflicts. He doesn’t necessarily focus on or understand emotional health or mental health, and seems to believe that poor player behavior will just get better over time. But we know that some of this stuff really wears on our daughter. And we’re not the only player parents who are concerned.
Mind you, both my husband and I played sports at a very high level. So we get that kids will be kids, parents will be parents, it’ll be stressful, and we need to let them figure all this out. We also know that in life as a whole our kids will need to make mistakes, as well as learn how to deal with difficult people.
But my question is, is there a point at which we stop letting our fourteen-year-old make some of these larger decisions about whether she can keep going under these circumstances? Is there a point where we should intervene to say, “Hey, we want you to be okay, and we know that this is what you’re facing?” Or “Hey, we think that you really need to be more mindful? Or, “We need you to be more careful?” Or, “Hey we think maybe you need to look at a different high school if the team dynamics don’t improve?”
We don’t want to undermine the coach, but we also fear that at some point we would be negligent if we didn’t address how people on the team should behave and how it is impacting our daughter.
Sincerely,
Can I Intervene, Or Is That Interfering With Her Development?
The Answer
Dear Can I Intervene…
First, your daughter is so fortunate to have parents who not only care but who are also knowledgable about the competitive sports environment in which she participates.
A youth sports experience should be enriching in all kinds of ways: from the health benefits of rigorous workouts, to the pleasure of developing discipline, strength, skill, and resilience, to the joy and agony of competition, to the lessons learned from team dynamics, to figuring out when you need to question authority. The latter two points are what we’re dealing with right now.
I like how you’re allowing your daughter to be in charge, while you stand on the sidelines ready to blow a whistle just to check in with her about how it’s going. Given that last year was such a rough year, and it’s all starting up again with no letup in sight, there’s no question in my mind that you should have that conversation. So, WHETHER to have the conversation is easy. The hard part is HOW.
Here are my thoughts…